Infertility, Chemotherapy, and Adoption.... through it all, Jesus is Enough

“And above all, hold onto the truth that you have a Savior who loves you so incredibly much….and THAT is always more than enough!” -Me: from my last blog March 2, 2015….then, SILENCE….

What happened for this blogger to go quiet for 7 years?

For the first few years after, life got busy.  We bought a house, started a business, Tony switched jobs among a lot of other changes that required attention.

Then three years ago, the silence hid the inner sorrows that for a while, only two people knew existed: Tony and me, battling the emotional and physical turmoil that is infertility. 

The first stages of, “Oh, this is probably normal.  Most couples take a few months to get pregnant.”

Then the fear of, “It’s been 6 months, I’ve tracked every day for the past few months, we’ve done everything right…something must be wrong.”

To the confirmation of the specialists, “You have a 3-5% chance of getting pregnant naturally.”

Followed by my period being two days late then starting as I was attempting a pregnancy test when I yelled out,“It feels like God is just being cruel!”

 

Waves of fears confirmed followed by the crashing sting of grief after grief over unmet expectations.

 

And it was in those moments, that I began to question, “ Is Jesus Always more than Enough?”

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He was Enough when I grieved “My Plan” of starting a family the “normal” way.

He was Enough when testing and treatments required a lot of poking, prodding and time.

He was Enough when I couldn’t sleep because of severe cramping from our first miscarriage.

He was Enough when I didn’t know if our baby was alive or dead for weeks during our second miscarriage.

He was Enough when I faced my D&C surgery then found out my second miscarriage could cause benign cancer requiring chemotherapy.

He was Enough when I sat for hours in the chemo ward comforted by the Bible in my lap and His Spirit in my heart.

He is Enough! Through all the sorrow, questions, anger, and grief…..He never left.  He was birthing in me a faith that was growing thick roots deep into the soil He created.

You see, once you experience one of your greatest fears coming true, and you survive, and you realize that He is the prize…. And you place him back on His rightful throne of your life as King of Kings and Lord of Lords and completely surrender everything you thought your life would look like…you will never be the same.

I’m not the same… and I pray this restart in my writing will glorify the One who is the true Author of my story as I share all that I have learned and am learning on this process of starting a family.  A road that has led us to a lot of wonder….

“I wonder what the adoption process is like”

“I wonder if she’s going to go through all our drawers during the home study”

“I wonder if we will ever get through all these online classes”

“I wonder if our child is even alive yet”

“I wonder…when…”

I stand in wonder at all He has done, at all He is doing, and at all He will do but one thing I now believe without a doubt is that no matter what…He is MORE than Enough!